Just found out my parents were in an abusive relationship. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know how to feel. Someone help me.
All stories have an end. Some a little early than others.
Happiness Afar and Other Musings
I don’t know what to do anymore. I logged on to this account to write something, anything but now I don’t know. I was so close to doing it before but at the last moment I chickened out and felt so tired and alone that I was just too weak to even try to do it. Now I regret that so much. My heart physically hurts from trying to hold everything in. Ever since I was young I dreamed about the ways I would do it but now I have no idea. What if it doesn’t work? I’ll be the depressed girl who tried to commit suicide and then what do I do? I’ve been on the suicide help tag for the last hour but nothing helps. Those guilt stories don’t relate to me because 1. I don’t have a friend to talk to, 2. My parents don’t care about me, 3. I hate my sister with all my heart and 4. I’m too ugly and fat to actually have a boyfriend. The only people I really care about are my younger cousins but I can’t keep on living. I don’t even know why I feel like this.
My family situation is a lot better than others, I have never been bullied, I am an okay student and my only major loss was my aunt and I can’t even remember when she died which makes me feel even more worthless. Maybe I’m just really selfish for doing it. Maybe I’m just a hormonal teenager who doesn’t know any better. Maybe this, maybe that, I’m sick of all the maybes. I’m too scared to talk to anyone on the internet or call any hotlines. I’m too shy to even talk to people on tumblr anonymously. I doubt anyone will see this because I’m basically a nobody on tumblr but I kind of hope no one will. I made this blog so I could express my feelings without being judged. I didn’t want to make a diary, so I made a tumblr, where my thoughts could be published but hopefully no one would read them. But if anyone is reading this, please don’t message me because I’ll be too shy to respond. I have to go to school on Wednesday. I have to do an oral speech on Thursday which I am shit scared about and I have trouble sleeping because of it. I don’t like my English teacher because she is hypocritical about everything and is simply too forceful about spreading her opinions. The thing is though, is that she thinks I’m a smart student and now picks on me every class because no one else answers so this year, I’m going to aim for not talking in class and being a ‘normal’ student. It’s weird because I usually fade into the background of my other classes which is great, except for this one. Man, I should really start listening in English class. My grammer is terrible. Anyway, I don’t know what to think. Dad still hasn’t gone to bed so I can’t attempt suicide just yet. I just ruined everything in my life. Well not really but I was already feeling depressed and everything just piled up and now I can’t handle it and all I can think of is all the stupid things I’ve done in my life and all the regrets I have. Wow it’s been a long time since I’ve written this much.
It’s my final year of high school this year. I’m so scared of failing. I got bad grades for my year 12 subject last year so I’m scared I’ll do even worse. I don’t even know what I want to do in life. I want to do science but my sister is already studying it and is going to do medicine which she always told me was way too hard and stressful for anyone to do, so I can’t do it without being compared to my sister. That’s another thing. I really hate my sister. I tried to reset with a fresh mind and see her in a different way for a while but then I just got sick of her tricks and now I still hate her, probably even more. She tormented me throughout my childhood and still to this day. She’s older and I’ve always been way to scared to stand up for myself, which she knows and uses to her advantage by picking on me when my parents aren’t at home. Recently, however, she’s been picking on me in front of my parents who don’t do anything about it. I’ve known for years that my sister was the golden child of the family, whilst I was the younger, more flawed and stupid sister of the golden child but recently my parents have been doing things that have solidified the concept of favourtism in my family. Maybe that’s why I like to be in the background, because it’s all I know and it’s what I’m comfortable with. It’s a love/hate relationship. Sometimes I think my parents are worse than my sister. They aren’t divorced but they may as well be. They never talk to each other and I’m always the designated message carrier between the two. They sleep in separate rooms but in the same house and it’s always tense when it’s just them two around and they have to talk/interact with each other. I don’t even know why they don’t talk. Because I’m the youngest, no one ever tells me anything and I’ve tried asking but my mum told me I was too young or that it was her own business so she didn’t have to tell anyone which is fucking stupid because I’m the one most effected by it and I’m the one who has to deliver messages between the two because both of them are too damn stubborn to sort out whatever problems they have.
I’ve been trying to lose weight for just over a year but I’ve failed and now I’m heavier then when I started. If I don’t kill myself tomorrow, I’m going to started cutting back on my food intake, which I recently started trying to do again. My dad’s still not in bed so I can’t attempt to kill myself tonight and I think this little rant/talk to myself has helped, so maybe my suicide attempts will hold off for a least another day. Who knows though. I start school after tomorrow so maybe I’ll attempt tomorrow night so I don’t have to go to school. Or maybe I’ll go to school for one more day, just to see what it’s like and then I’ll kill myself, though it’ll be a lot harder tomorrow or Wednesday. I hate my self for not going through with the attempt tonight. I wish I had. It was perfect timing, I had everything planned. I guess you can’t everything, right?
If anyone is actually reading this, please don’t message me/like the post. I just want to be alone. I’m leaving this untagged except for an ambigious 'thoughts’ tag so I can keep track of my rants here but luckily the 'thoughts’ tag is popular so hopefully no one will read this.
This is one of the most haunting photos I have ever seen. It is hundreds of wedding rings that were removed from those in Concentration Camps.
I haven’t seen a single post on my dash about it being the remembrance day of the Holocaust today so I guess it’s up to me
This is sobering.
this is truly heartbreaking
i cant imagine losing a spouse to something so horrific,
i can’t even handle losing a follower let alone a husband omg
(Source: rustybayonetliebgott, via skinnyliesandbloodylines)
This made me cry, I was thinking today how I don’t have a lot of memory since before my broken neck and my head trauma.
I wonder what my life would be like if I had never broken my spine…
(via skinnyliesandbloodylines)
